Last month, we looked at the "I'll be with you while you wait" policy that we think helps children when they find themselves in competition for toys or attention. If you missed that article, you can find it here .

Now, we'll turn to the subject of how you can help a child who tends to take toys away from others, and how to help a child who tends to have things taken away, and can't stand up for himself.  (Ideas on what to do when you come upon a dispute in full swing are found toward the end of the Sibling Solutions article .

Why children tend to grab

Many children become at somewhat tense when they are in close proximity to others. The number of little friendship glitches a child has experienced increases over time, and if he hasn't had anyone listen to him cry until the upset with the other child is gone, a chunk of "needing to cry about it" still sits inside him. Managing these stored upset feelings requires a good deal of a child's flexibility and attention. The more stored tension a child is trying to manage, the more tightly wound he becomes when he's around other children. So he may tend to grab things and fight for things. When he gets what he wants, he may tend to hang on tightly and defensively, spoiling his interactions with others and limiting his own play with his desired toy.

Most adults assume that a child who grabs is expressing his personality, or is in the grip of a habit. The child is labeled "impulsive," "aggressive," "strong-willed," "selfish," or worse. But a child who tends to grab can become sweet, thoughtful and generous, once the tension he carries is relieved. In other words, what looks like a personality trait or a strong habit is actually just a symptom of tension that is waiting to be relieved. A child is not at fault for his tendency to grab, and neither is his parent. The tension he has stored inside of him is the real culprit.

You can help a child who tends to grab.

When you know that a child has a tendency to grab, you don't have to wait for the blowup between him and another child before you step in to help. In fact, waiting until the problem has exploded has the disadvantage of allowing a tense child to further erode his relationships with other children.

Here are the steps you can take to help a child with the tension that governs his behavior.

• Stop wondering whether he will grab today. He will. If you know he grabs, it is your job to get there first, so he can't take something from another child. Get close in a warm and friendly way, and stay close . Pay full attention to him in his interactions with others. Move with him as he plays, so you're always within an arm's reach of him.

• When he reaches out to grab something from another child, move in and stop his hand before he can grab it. Talk to your child as warmly as you can. Say something like, "That's Suzanne's right now. She'll be finished with it in awhile," as warmly as you can. Offer eye contact, and keep trying to make eye contact. Remember that your child, or your child's friend, is a good child.

• If the child is able to make relaxed eye contact with you, and can decide to move on to something else to play with, he's actually in good shape at the moment, and you can continue to stay close in case the tension you usually see surfaces later.

• If the child squirms, runs away, protests, or starts a tantrum, stay and continue to reassure him that it will be his turn eventually, and that you'll help him wait. He'll use the limit you've kindly set, and the attention you offer him, to offload frustration or sadness or fear. Perhaps he misses his Mommy or Daddy. Perhaps he doesn't feel sure that he'll see his Daddy tonight. Perhaps he feels he doesn't know how to make friends. There are an infinite number of underlying feelings that could be causing his inability to be thoughtful of other children.

Listen well while he cries or tantrums--he will express what the underlying feelings are. You may hear "I never get what I want," "I want to go home," or, "I don't like Johnny." None of these feelings are "wrong." As you listen, you help your child to undo the power these feelings have over his behavior. You can show that you're an advocate for him by saying, "I'll help you get what you want, we just need to wait awhile."

• Listen as long as you can . After a hearty, long cry or tantrum, you will see a marked change in his ability to be flexible in play. His tensions have dissolved, and he's able to make choices that more nearly reflect his desire to be friends and play cooperatively. If he wasn't able to do more than a couple of minutes of crying, he may look miserable and keep trying to find reasons to initiate the crying or tantrums again. He wants to finish the job he started, with the support and understanding of a thoughtful adult!