Once they can speak, young children ask lots of questions. “What is on the moon?” “Why do we have to sleep?” “Where does the wind come from?” and a thousand other inquiries help children fill in their picture of how the world works. They learn from our answers, and from the fact that we don’t always know the answers. The lessons are helpful, even when questions still remain.

Long before children can speak, however, there are core questions they ask to have answered many times each day. These are unspoken questions. The absence of language doesn't mean that these questions are unimportant. On the contrary, they are the most important and abiding questions of childhood. The answers we give determine a child’s well being.

Because there are no words to these questions, it can sometimes be hard for us to remember that we are being asked. Children ask, “Do I belong?” when they bring us a favorite toy as we talk with another adult. They ask, “Are you glad I’m here?” when they wake at 6 a.m. and crawl over to wake us with an expectant look. They ask, “Do you see who I am?” when they make jokes by putting funny things on their heads, or when they playfully dump out a whole bowlful of blocks. They ask, “Will you keep me safe?” as they encounter dogs bigger than they are on the street. And they want to know, “Am I doing all right?” when they climb into your lap as you’re trying to catch five minutes with the newspaper at the end of the day. They don’t ask in words, but children's minds are keenly tuned to filter answers from our every move, glance, and tone. When we’re relaxed and pleased with ourselves, we answer “Yes, it's good to have you in my life” as we change their clothes, scoop them up for a hug, or hold a hand while they try walking on a curb.

But life is full of demands on parents, caregivers, teachers, and friends. So we don’t always have the presence of mind to respond as we’d like to. This is why parents and caregivers find Listening Tools so helpful. Special Time, Playlistening, Setting Limits, and Staylistening all can be done in limited amounts of time. Using these tools communicates directly to a child that he belongs, he is welcome, that you see who he is, that you will keep him safe from the troubles of others, and safe from his own troubles. And they communicate that he is doing all right, even when you need to offer a course correction, or listen to a big tantrum.

The following Success Stories are from caregivers working in public preschools in Santa Clara County. The first caregiver used Setting Limits and Staylistening to let a child know that she would keep him safe from the consequences of his own troubles. With respect and understanding, she conveyed that he belonged and was doing all right, even when he made mistakes and had big feelings to offload. The result is a child who literally learned to make friends. The second caregiver was working on building a bond between herself and a child new to the program. She succeeded in communicating to that child and to all the children in the class that they were important, their ideas mattered, and that she saw who they were—small children looking for importance in a big person’s world. You’ll see how a relatively short amount of time using Listening Tools can make a huge difference in a child’s life, because his core needs for affirmation are met directly and with warmth.

Staylistening Ends A History of Grabbing

“We had quite a bit of difficulty with one boy at the day care center where I work. As soon as another child would begin playing with a toy, he would come over and either hit the child or grab the toy away. The other children were afraid of him, and after a short while there, children avoided him. We were responding to children crying frequently because of this child’s interactions.