Parents are expected to stay "in control" of their lives, their children, and themselves. Some major parts of this expectation are impossible to fulfill! But because there is no way to learn parenting skills and truths ahead of time, we parents struggle and worry when we don't seem to be "in control," or when being "in control" means being harsh with our children. Let's outline the things no parent can fully control. 

• We don't have full control over our lives. Hard things can happen to us and to our children, and societal oppressions can force us into inhuman circumstances. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don't have full control there. There are things we can do to be able to pay our bills, but job security and earning worthy wages for working class jobs are not things we alone have the power to determine. We work at building good relationships, but many of us don't begin with the tools, support, information, or time to solve critical relationship problems. We are also up against racism, drugs, violence, and harshness on the schoolyards and the streets. By ourselves, we and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what's necessary, WITH LOTS OF HELP.

• We don't have control over our children's behavior. We do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn't mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it mean that a child whose behavior is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things. Our children are subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control--their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with people who don't care for them well, enormous stress on us, frightening incidents that couldn't be anticipated. When children are hurt by these kinds of circumstances, their behavior does reflect their fears, and they may be perceived as "difficult." But this is not the parents' fault! What's more, this "off track" behavior is a necessary signal that the child gives that she's been wounded and needs attention. As difficult as their behavior may be, we parents can be grateful that our children refuse to suffer silently when they feel too isolated or frightened or angry to think.

• In the short run, we sometimes don't have control over our own behavior. It's one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts--whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, "talking back" when we're trying to gain control. We each