Children thrive on connection with their parents. Their need for a sense of connection is strong and constant through childhood. It is this sense of safety and connection that allows children to learn at a great rate, to experiment and play so fully, to enjoy themselves and others without reservation, and to trust in the goodness of the people they know.

A child’s sense of connection and safety is easily broken. With infants and young children, a parent turning away to wash his hands or do the dishes is sometimes enough to break a child’s sense that all is well. Because of this fragility, sooner or later, every child experiences some sad feelings about separation.

When a child feels upset by separation, there are two kinds of causes

• The break in connection is happening now, for instance, a parent goes to work, or must leave on a trip.

• A small hint of separation kicks up stored feelings. Putting a child to bed, going to another room, talking on the phone, or being rushed and overworked can open the floodgates to anxiety or grief that comes from earlier, more difficult separations.

Unresolved fears about separation are often at the root of difficult behaviors. When a child is loaded with feelings about separation, but doesn’t get a chance to express them, he can’t sense that he’s safe. He can’t think. He signals that he is “off track” when he

• Bites, hurts, or is forcefully “affectionate” with others

• Withdraws from others or excludes others in their play

• Wanders from one activity to another without paying attention to what he is doing.

• Whines or balks or is picky, or needs a special object to keep him from feeling upset.

You can help a child work through his feelings about separation

Children need to cry fully and feel frightened about a separation that is about to happen, or has already happened. While they cry, they need the love and caring of someone who offers them warmth and safety. At first, it seems like the oddest idea—why on earth would you let a child cry hard for his Mommy or Daddy, when you could distract him or put him to sleep or jiggle him or pat him until he stopped? But over and over again, in thousands of situations, we have seen that children whose feelings are listened to become more confident, feel closer to their parents, and feel closer to the people who listened while they cried.

So here are the steps you can take to help a child actually heal the feelings he has about separation. As you take these steps, he’ll develop his ability to explore his world and take advantage of the friendships he is offered. He’ll also retain his trust in those closest to him.

• Connect well. Children need to feel close to someone before they feel safe enough to release their feelings. So the first step in helping a child with separation is to add more warmth and connection around the time when good-by must be said. A period of parent-child or caregiver-child Special Time that includes warmth, eye contact, and laughter will help strengthen the child’s sense of connection.

• Initiate the separation, then allow a long, tearful good-bye. Offer your warmth and support as the child cries, trembles, and struggles. This process of showing feelings fully with someone who will listen is natural, healthy, and deeply beneficial to the child. The longer the parent stays, the safer it will be for the child to show the feelings of desperation he or she has. The parent can do this listening, or the caregiver, or both. In any case, these are the steps to follow:

1. Stay close, but not too close. You want the child to feel your support, but also to feel the separation he is afraid of. Offer him eye contact and affection. If he burrows into you and stops crying, move him gently so that he can see you. Your attention will help him feel the grief again.